Do you Appreciate the Things you Wished for?

I’d get teased at work about how many kids I wanted. “8!” I’d say! Oh, huge family dinners, all the husbands, wives, friends, kids etc and future me would be in oven mits and apron, happily answering how everyone could help. The ceilings are low and cozy. There is candlelight married with dimmed crystal chandeliers. Someone brought me flowers and I quickly arranged them in an effortless vessel for the table. I was prepared. Wine bottles are open. I hear people telling funny stories and I make a note to get them to retell them to me later. Casserole dishes come to the table.

You get the picture. I prayed for a full family life where my greatest joy would be soaking them all up and doting on them. I don’t think I really imagined the baby phase and childhood part. Oh and all the work. HA!

I was 34 when I had our first baby and wow, does one kid feel like a lot when you’re new at it! Oh, it’s harder for me because…I’m older, more set in my ways, years of only caring for myself, a “working woman.” I’m sure other moms make lists of why it seems to be harder for them in because there’s no way it’s ever looked this difficult from the outside. I have to say, my initial experiences in motherhood were so far from my expectations, it has taken me years to steer back to the fantasy of it.

With each blessing of a child (now three) I grew to love being a mother. I thought less about how hard it was or the things I couldn’t do and more about what I could. We recently started sports and a whole new joyful connection has begun.

I was working on a little project on my phone in the kitchen a few weeks ago and the kids were finishing up their dinner (I had ducked out a bit early for some me time) and I had that “future grandma-me and family dinners” fantasy flash through my mind.

Look at me. I now have these three kids and husband here in front of me. So we eat dinner together every night. We talk, ask questions etc but especially lately, I haven’t been giving the “family meal” a lot of heart. For me it’s not just the food. It’s my intention behind preparing it. That intention sets the tone for our experience. I either do “Feed everyone” or “Make a nourishing meal that the family appreciates.” The little kid years got me in a bit of a robotic vibe when it comes to meals.

I can get caught up in all the duties, responsibilities and cleaning up the mess that I don’t see the pleasures of the stages we are in.

I decided to start serving more meals “family style.” We taught the kids to take some and pass the dish along. There’s something special about that-seeing the food all together and partaking in it. The big kids are growing out pickiness so I want to indulge in this season!

It’s common for me to reach a “said goal” in life and look right past it to the next goal.

Here we are. A family gathered around the table and I’m ready to awaken to the gratitude for this wish, this prayer I’ve had for so much of my life. I’m so grateful that I recognized it now and I hope to keep that joy alive. It will take a back seat (you’ll hear my complaints) and then reawaken but each time, it’s like a exercising a muscle. It will grow stronger.