TBT: The Hottest I’ve Ever Looked

I figured I could post something embarrassing more easily if I was going to be out of town. This is a photo of my very dear friend, Annie, the band Dishwalla and myself. We were tasked with giving the band a tour of our Navy ship. They were there to sign autographs and stuff for the sailors while we docked for Fleet Week in San Fransisco. Annie and I are probably smiling on 2 hours of sleep and 4 donuts. 

Check out those pants. See how high they come up? If you could turn us around, you would see that our tushes measure about 34 inches long (from top to bottom). We called it NIA (Navy Issued A**). 

One summer a few years prior to this, when I was still at UCLA, I was on my way to summer training on a ship in Japan. I picked up my pile of uniforms and excitedly tried them on at my apartment. The main uniform I would be wearing was a blue onesie, kind of like a mechanic’s uniform. Well, my onesies were super tight. I went back to the supply department to exchange them but the chief there refused and told me to deal with it. 

Oh, I dealt with it. I owned that J. Lo cat suit all summer long. It was so tight and the pant legs were even high waters somehow. In order to use the restroom, you had to unzip the zipper all the way down, pull the sleeves off your arms and pull the whole thing down. I had to contort like an acrobat in order to get that thing off without hurting any private areas. 

Then I heard it. “Donkey.” Yes, that was my ship wide nickname. 

When I entered the Navy for real, and I was responsible for buying my own blue uniforms, I brought them so big they were like tarps and the belt was the only thing that kept it from blowing out like a sail. The pant legs were so saggy. There was no way to tell whether I was a girl or a boy. Perfect.