Yahoo Shine! did a review/discussion called Is Being Childfree Selfish? Debating Time Magazine’s Touchy New Issue, by Beth Greenfield.
Yes, it’s a provocative concept-not having children being necessary to having it all. I could see how this cover could inspire a, “Oh heck yea,” or a “Those people don’t know what they’re missing.” Shine! shares the acronym DINK (double income no kids). The term and the cover photo DO have the feeling of opulence, luxury, serenity, confidence, success, beauty and freedom. I know it also comes with judgements.
I have pictures like this of Chris and I sitting on beaches and I have TOTALLY looked at these photos and thought, “Wow, look how happy and successful we are in our thirties except for the fact that we don’t have children.” Would I have gone to grad school if I had young children? Would I have had a divorce if there were children involved?
I was at Chris’ family’s Easter event a couple of years ago with a group of his siblings who some of which are in/around their thirties and I felt kind of strange celebrating what I grew up thinking was a “kid” holiday with a bunch adults. I had a great time, I just looked around and noted how different it was from my childhood where most thirty year olds had 2 or more kids. I grew up around a lot of military nuclear families who mostly had stay-at-home moms. I LOVE having kids around, especially for holidays, I just wasn’t ready that Easter for it to be my kids running around.
Here I was, one of THOSE women that my dad talked about, the women who were SO into their CAREER. Now he always encouraged my career goals and aspirations, I only heard him talking about THOSE women as I approached thirty as a newly divorced woman. Then the second I was talking about starting a family with Chris, he asked when I would be fitting in my profession. Kids and/or careers are not for everyone. I was one of those people who could only do what felt right at each moment. That takes a lot of faith.
The truth is, it’s never been a good time to think about having children for me until now. It never happened on its own and I never “tried.” “Having it all” can mean having things when and IF the time is right-partner, baby, career or sports car. Just know what YOU want…or else.
What time is it for you? How old are you and what is your lifestyle?
Jennie jordan says
Well for me it’s, 35 yrears old, husband, 3 kids, no career, even though I have the degree for it but I just don’t have the time, and a life that is often not mine. All I can say is at times it is amazing and at other times its literally hell!
I heard a couple on TED talks discuss the difference between having kids and not, and the biggest difference is the degree of highs and lows. I whole heartedly agree. I feel such intense joy, amazement, and love as a parent, but I also never thought I would feel such rage, yes I said rage, frustration and hopelessness. If I had it to do over again I would have my kids farther apart (they are each only about a yr and half apart), but I wouldn’t not have kids. That’s just me though.
On the other side of things, I have a twin sister who has been a serial monogamous, but has never had children. I can’t speak for her, but what she has shared with me in that for a long time she felt a lot of disappointment and desperation about not having kids, especially while I was first having mine, but that now she is largely unconcerned wether she has kids or not. I think she has been exposed to the chaos that is my daily life enough to appreciate her much more calm existence. I have never felt that her choice is selfish or wrong, and many times I wish I could have it again.
I think people can sometimes feel that not having kids is selfish partly because they have kids and wish they still had the freedom and simplicity of their per-kid life. Maybe not, but I know that when my sister tells me about her summer packed with trips and adventures it is hard for me to not feel jealous, but I think it is a fair trade for the times I share with her some of the more special moments of my life with kids. Either way life is good and you have to find the path that feels right to you.
Christina Warren says
Jennie, thank you. Your honesty is so helpful and appreciated. I’m totally impressed. 3 children?! Amazing! I totally want to have children and at the same time I look at both past and upcoming adventures that we have to ourselves. The degree of highs and lows you mentioned makes a lot of sense to me. I see a lot of friends really struggle at times and at the same time they swear they would never change a thing. Why do I feel like our generation is so challenged by being parents or choosing to become parents? Did people just “get over it” before and now it’s talked about?
Jennie jordan says
I think people do talk about their experience more than in our parent’s generation. I think some of the difference may also be because men and women’s roles in the parenting process have changed. With all the benefits that brings, it can also bring a certain amount of confusion and struggle.
Christina Warren says
I struggle with gender roles all the time! 🙂 My grandparents seem to have it all figured out. I’m sure part of that comes about from their generation and another comes from their life-long relationship.