BEEEEEeeeeeep is jokingly the sound of my personal battery dying and it happens when I don’t get my time to be a beautiful hermit. I’m like Megan Kelly (Meg Ryan) in You’ve Got Mail with my laptop in my cute brownstone or Frazier sipping sherry in his Seattle skyscraper apartment (ps sadly there is no real apartment building with a view of the Space Needle like that). I thrive on time with myself to think.
I have been called out for taking 10 hour international flights where I didn’t watch a single movie or read. I just thought or journaled the whole time.
To me, there are few things more luxurious and with the full life that I’ve always dreamed of, I find it challenging to get it so I’ve written this article to give you the steps I’m taking for more guilt free alone time.
The Struggle is Real
I’m designed to take care of others so it doesn’t come naturally to me to prioritize the things that make just-me very happy. Solitude is one of those things (along with getting my hair done periodically and shopping) that makes me feel like a whole person.
Whether you are a mom, a caretaker, a partner or a human, life is busy and alone time to recharge can look different in each season.
I’m here to show you why you shouldn’t ignore the desire for alone time and how to achieve more of it with less guilt.
Owning the Need
Everyone has different needs when it comes to solitude.
It can get confusing when you have to go grocery shopping or drop a package off at UPS. Was that my alone time? Although errands and chores alone are amazing and needed, true alone time is really about feeding your soul.
Before Chris and I were married. I had a very busy social and work life. Because I was single, I also had what felt like plenty of time to be alone and recharge.
On Saturdays, I’d meet up with a friend for a run, some breakfast and shopping and then I’d spend the afternoon doing little things around my home. Was that a dream? I joke. I was also longing for love and children!
When we married and as our family grew, I hired a babysitter to help a day or two a week starting when our youngest was almost 2. Sometimes I would grocery shop or even take a nap (I felt very guilty about those 1 nap still) I would also go shopping for myself!
I always had some form of income from work whether it was photography shoots or blogging. I loved creating my own ecosystem of support in that sense. To me, it feels very indulgent-even more than if the money came from our joint account.
I have always wanted to be the primary person in our kids’ lives before they went to school. That doesn’t mean that it isn’t hard and I’ve had days that felt like Groundhog Day with matted hair and no positive vibes. Like minus positive vibes and minus energy vibes. That’s coming from a person who has been accused of being born with too much serotonin and boundless, zestful energy from her closest inner circle. AKA no one is immune to the high demands of seasons of our lives.
If you find yourself struggling with any form of positivity, right after sleep, water, glucose level, check out your recharge state. Mine has always been solitude.
If you’re familiar with Human Design, I learned that I had the
“hermit” line. Maybe not so obvious to people because I’m super social but wow did that give me permission to be cool with needing that alone time. “Starved for solitude,” a healer once told me. HA!
Steps I'm Taking
Truly understanding the value of my alone time gives me permission to prioritize it. Without it I feel colorless and bland.
Start with an affirmation like, “My guilt free alone time is what feeds my brilliance.” They always say you have to take care of yourself to take care of others but what about starting with just…take care of yourself because the rest will fall into place beautifully.
Setting boundaries so I can carve out time is crucial. UGH I’m the worst at setting boundaries with people-my kids especially. I have been working on using my one year old’s nap time as one alone time. I set my 5 year old up with an activity or a show while I do that but omg he wants to interact with me the whole time. I push aside the guilt by setting us up for success: everyone gets to play and or be outside in the morning, there has already been a group craft, reading, cooking lesson.
On weekends, Chris and I each get out of the house for alone time too. In the summers, it’s easier to get a babysitter here and that’s when we will go on some dates.
Discipline will also get you more alone time. You can see more of what I mean in this post: How to make more time. Block your schedule and batch cook are some examples.
Setting up your actual environment for more nurturing time is super helpful. We moved 5 years ago to focus on family. My social life is quite small these days I meet up with friends very infrequently and I’m really good with it. I also know that will evolve as the kids get older.
The Goal isn't Perfection
Perhaps one day I’ll write the post “How I’ve Mastered the Art of Solitude,” and that will be so helpful! For now I am very good with being in the process of becoming. If that’s where you are too, then I hope these tips and my real life examples inspire you.
You can want a full life and also want time to recharge alone. You can want a partner, kids, friends, pets and still want time alone. I’m excited for your experiment in guilt free solitude!
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